Nic Cage Rant Part Deux: Back With A Vengeance

I decided to pull a Nic Cage and make a sequel. For those of you who have yet to hear my rant on Nic Cage and his laughable excuses for cinema, please check out my previous blog post before you dive into the scary world that is Nicolas Cage’s movie career. You’ve been warned.

It’s been a little over a year since I last ranted about Nic. And guess what? He’s been in 3 movies since and has seven (seven!) in the works, including one sequel and two threequels. Who can honestly say they ever wanted to see Nic Cage do the same movie twice let alone a third time? Insanity. Pure insanity. For those of you reading this who actually enjoy watching the man’s attempts at acting, rest assured, you have at least 10 chances in the near future to see your man hold flashlights and duffles while attempting to pretend his receding hairline isn’t a threat to this nation’s security and your personal well-being.

Copy-Cat:

One of the things that annoys the heck out of me is Cage’s uncanny ability to do nothing original. Take for instance, his latest film, “Stolen”.

Did you see the duffle? Classic Cage. As you can see from the trailer, this is “Taken” without Liam Neeson, an exotic location, and good acting. Not only does this film lack any kind of creative plotline, they couldn’t even get Morgan Freeman to do the voice-over (fast forward to the 1-minute mark). There are enough white people in the movie, I don’t need to hear one narrate it, too. Thank you Mr. Movie Phone’s third cousin twice removed. You’ve done the world a disservice. But I digress.

Comic Book Obsession:

Nic happens to be a HUGE comic book fan. So much so that he named his youngest son “Kal-El” after Superman’s birth name. Not only did Cage prove he can’t function in society, but he has doomed his son to a lifetime of humiliation and bullying. Kal-El will forever be excluded from normalcy. Imagine little Kal-El wanting to buy some pencils with his name on them just like the other kids in his class. And you thought finding the spelling of you name was hard? Not to mention the fact he’ll be getting Superman figurines as gag gifts for the rest of his life. Thanks Nic. Great parenting. But Cage’s comic book obsession doesn’t end there. He even named HIMSELF after the comic book character, Luke Cage, and has written (and published!) a comic book entitled, “Voodoo Child”. And guess what? There’s only one in the series. Epic flop to be sure.

Nic the Shaman:

Cage developed a new method of acting called “Nouveau Shamanic” and has claimed to have used this method throughout his acting career, which leads me to believe that this “Nouveau Shamanic” is crazy person talk for “Bad Acting”. He has even promised to write a book about the method! If he actually does write such a book and get someone to publish it (probably the same publisher of his ill-fated comic book), I think it should be a required reading for all Intro To Acting students as an example of what NOT to do. It could be great. “Chapter 1: Take what you Can Get” (where Cage explains how he took every crappy role he could) can show students  how you should be selective in your choices. Only do bad films in the beginning to get your foot in the door and then get out as fast as you can! “Chapter 2: Me and My Hair” (where Cage discusses the creative and artistic directions he took with his receding hairline) can teach students the importance of personal hygiene and upkeep. You’ve got to look the part of an aspiring actor. No one wants to hire a pedophile (unless of course you’re playing one). It would be great. Oh and did I mention that ‘Nouveau Shamanic’ has some voodoo practices involved? His comic book is making more and more sense…

Why Does the Caged bird sing?:

Seriously, why?

Rich Cage, Poor Cage:

Cage just can’t seem to keep his money. The IRS has been after the guy for years but he just keeps spending and spending. He has owned multiple castles, ‘America’s most haunted house’, and a bunch of other things he can’t afford. How many $40 mil/year actors have this problem? Not many. Most actors can’t spend enough to keep up with their earnings. But Nic finds ways. During one of his biggest shopping spree in 2007 (while he was in court with the IRS, mind you), Cage bought three ADDITIONAL houses, 22 cars (including 9 Rolls Royce’s), 12 pieces of expensive jewelry, and 47 pieces of exotic items, including a dinosaur skull. Yes, Nic Cage owns a dino head. No wonder he makes so many movies. He’s got to keep up with his outrageous spending habits. Well Nic, I hope you bought your son some custom pencils with his name on them.

Nic Cage the Vampire:

Last year, rumors began circulating around a certain 1870’s photograph of a man who looks almost exactly like the Cage. The owner of the picture believes that this can only mean one thing: Nic is a vampire who reinvents himself every 75 years. Now this is silly and outlandish. I say this partly out of seriousness and partly because I would hate to believe that this guy is immortal. Can you imagine 27 National Treasures? Kill me now.

Other Instances of Cage’s Stupidity:

His middle name is ‘Kim’. Now I know you’re thinking, ‘it’s probably a family name. After his mom or something.” WRONG. After much research, I have no idea where “Kim” comes from. Though no one can really choose their middle name, I think this proves epic failure at life runs in the family (and explains his son’s name).

Nic was supposed to star in the Academy Award nominated film, “The Wrestler” but decided to step out of the project to let struggling actor Mickey Rourke take the lead, who gets an Oscar nom for the role. Seriously? The man will make a movie about killer bees, physically switching faces, and three National Treasures, but he decides to ‘step down’ and give away a movie to someone else? and the only GOOD one?! Wow, just wow.

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Nic Cage can’t be a vampire. He can’t reinvent himself for one movie let alone every 75 years.

    1. your mom says:

      crack me up. have you seen wild at heart? very crazy movie. one of his best and laura dern too. you gotta admit….people watch his movies? keep writing ali,,,budding career as a critic?

  2. agatewood says:

    Haha. I couldn’t agree more.

  3. David says:

    I so want to be there the day you meet Nic Cage. 🙂

  4. I saw the comparison on Yahoo. It’s pretty neat.

  5. Doc Katniss says:

    Have you started praying for him yet?

    1. agatewood says:

      Ha, I seriously laughed out loud when I read your name.

      And no, but I guess I should start soon…

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