Ali Rewrites Famous Movies

Have you ever watched a movie and thought to yourself, “That is so unrealistic?” Well, I do… A LOT. This doesn’t make me dislike said movies, it’s just gets me thinking about what would happen if the plot were more realistic. Below are my comments on the subject:

The Mighty Ducks:

I’m sorry, but as much as I LOVE this movie (and I do), how realistic is it? I mean, come on. A group of low-income children with very poor hockey skills get a washed up jerk-face coach? That team would never beat the Russians. Especially, with bad equipment and limited practice time. Yes, Coach Gordon paid for all new gear but, in real life, Charlie would not have been able to rise to team captain so easily. In real life, single mom-raised Charlie would be working at the local convenient store just to help his mom make ends meet. He would not have become friends with Gordon so quickly due to all his baggage from his dad leaving him and his mom at such a young age. He’d probably join a gang to fix his daddy issues. Thug life would give him pseudo confidence and he would become a drug lord, pimping out hoes to pay for hockey sticks. He’d still join the Ducks but they would all get disqualified for failing their mandatory drug tests. Russia wins by default.

Free Willy:

Firstly, if I was in Jesse’s shoes, I would move to a landlocked state (I have an irrational fear of whales). Secondly, have you not been watching the news lately?! Killer whales are living up to their name and actually KILLING PEOPLE. Yeah, like seriously killing people. “Dragging’em under water and drowning them” killing people. Have we learned nothing from Steve Irwin? If Free Willy was a realistic movie then there would be no “Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home”, let alone a “Free Willy 3: The Rescue”, unless of course #2 chronicles little Jesse’s adventure home to Heaven after his whale buddy murders him in cold blood and #3 explains how the police rescue the local swimmers from Willy’s jaws of death. Add that image to your childhood memory.

Home Alone:

Kevin McCallister would not be alive right now. The kid nearly burns his skin off with aftershave and I’m supposed to believe he can keep three armed robbers at bay? Please. But let’s just say he did, the FIRST time. But a second? Highly unlikely. And don’t get me started on Kevin’s ‘disappearing act’.If he walked onto the wrong airplane in this day and age he would get tackled by TSA faster than you can say “Merry Christmas”. Or he’d have a lanyard around his neck and one of those nice airport ladies escorting him from terminal to terminal to avoid such issues. On Christmas Eve he would be warm and safe with his highly annoying family instead of hanging with a potentially creepy homeless lady feeding the birds.

I’m sure there will be more rewrites to come….

One Comment Add yours

  1. mom says:

    ali,,,wow..laughed my butt off!! you are great.

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