Nic Cage Rant Part Deux: Back With A Vengeance

Nic Cage Rant Part Deux: Back With A Vengeance

I decided to pull a Nic Cage and make a sequel. For those of you who have yet to hear my rant on Nic Cage and his laughable excuses for cinema, please check out my previous blog post before you dive into the scary world that is Nicolas Cage’s movie career. You’ve been warned.

It’s been a little over a year since I last ranted about Nic. And guess what? He’s been in 3 movies since and has seven (seven!) in the works, including one sequel and two threequels. Who can honestly say they ever wanted to see Nic Cage do the same movie twice let alone a third time? Insanity. Pure insanity. For those of you reading this who actually enjoy watching the man’s attempts at acting, rest assured, you have at least 10 chances in the near future to see your man hold flashlights and duffles while attempting to pretend his receding hairline isn’t a threat to this nation’s security and your personal well-being.

Copy-Cat:

One of the things that annoys the heck out of me is Cage’s uncanny ability to do nothing original. Take for instance, his latest film, “Stolen”.

Did you see the duffle? Classic Cage. As you can see from the trailer, this is “Taken” without Liam Neeson, an exotic location, and good acting. Not only does this film lack any kind of creative plotline, they couldn’t even get Morgan Freeman to do the voice-over (fast forward to the 1-minute mark). There are enough white people in the movie, I don’t need to hear one narrate it, too. Thank you Mr. Movie Phone’s third cousin twice removed. You’ve done the world a disservice. But I digress.

Comic Book Obsession:

Nic happens to be a HUGE comic book fan. So much so that he named his youngest son “Kal-El” after Superman’s birth name. Not only did Cage prove he can’t function in society, but he has doomed his son to a lifetime of humiliation and bullying. Kal-El will forever be excluded from normalcy. Imagine little Kal-El wanting to buy some pencils with his name on them just like the other kids in his class. And you thought finding the spelling of you name was hard? Not to mention the fact he’ll be getting Superman figurines as gag gifts for the rest of his life. Thanks Nic. Great parenting. But Cage’s comic book obsession doesn’t end there. He even named HIMSELF after the comic book character, Luke Cage, and has written (and published!) a comic book entitled, “Voodoo Child”. And guess what? There’s only one in the series. Epic flop to be sure.

Nic the Shaman:

Cage developed a new method of acting called “Nouveau Shamanic” and has claimed to have used this method throughout his acting career, which leads me to believe that this “Nouveau Shamanic” is crazy person talk for “Bad Acting”. He has even promised to write a book about the method! If he actually does write such a book and get someone to publish it (probably the same publisher of his ill-fated comic book), I think it should be a required reading for all Intro To Acting students as an example of what NOT to do. It could be great. “Chapter 1: Take what you Can Get” (where Cage explains how he took every crappy role he could) can show students  how you should be selective in your choices. Only do bad films in the beginning to get your foot in the door and then get out as fast as you can! “Chapter 2: Me and My Hair” (where Cage discusses the creative and artistic directions he took with his receding hairline) can teach students the importance of personal hygiene and upkeep. You’ve got to look the part of an aspiring actor. No one wants to hire a pedophile (unless of course you’re playing one). It would be great. Oh and did I mention that ‘Nouveau Shamanic’ has some voodoo practices involved? His comic book is making more and more sense…

Why Does the Caged bird sing?:

Seriously, why?

Rich Cage, Poor Cage:

Cage just can’t seem to keep his money. The IRS has been after the guy for years but he just keeps spending and spending. He has owned multiple castles, ‘America’s most haunted house’, and a bunch of other things he can’t afford. How many $40 mil/year actors have this problem? Not many. Most actors can’t spend enough to keep up with their earnings. But Nic finds ways. During one of his biggest shopping spree in 2007 (while he was in court with the IRS, mind you), Cage bought three ADDITIONAL houses, 22 cars (including 9 Rolls Royce’s), 12 pieces of expensive jewelry, and 47 pieces of exotic items, including a dinosaur skull. Yes, Nic Cage owns a dino head. No wonder he makes so many movies. He’s got to keep up with his outrageous spending habits. Well Nic, I hope you bought your son some custom pencils with his name on them.

Nic Cage the Vampire:

Last year, rumors began circulating around a certain 1870’s photograph of a man who looks almost exactly like the Cage. The owner of the picture believes that this can only mean one thing: Nic is a vampire who reinvents himself every 75 years. Now this is silly and outlandish. I say this partly out of seriousness and partly because I would hate to believe that this guy is immortal. Can you imagine 27 National Treasures? Kill me now.

Other Instances of Cage’s Stupidity:

His middle name is ‘Kim’. Now I know you’re thinking, ‘it’s probably a family name. After his mom or something.” WRONG. After much research, I have no idea where “Kim” comes from. Though no one can really choose their middle name, I think this proves epic failure at life runs in the family (and explains his son’s name).

Nic was supposed to star in the Academy Award nominated film, “The Wrestler” but decided to step out of the project to let struggling actor Mickey Rourke take the lead, who gets an Oscar nom for the role. Seriously? The man will make a movie about killer bees, physically switching faces, and three National Treasures, but he decides to ‘step down’ and give away a movie to someone else? and the only GOOD one?! Wow, just wow.

Dear Adrien Brody,

Dear Adrien Brody,

Dear Adrien Brody,

You have been my favorite actor since I saw you in The Pianist. You totally deserved the Academy Award and even that very unexpected Halle Berry onstage make-out sesh.

Upon being introduced to you, I immediately watched some of your earlier films and fell in love with your acting ability and taste in movies.

I absolutely loved “Dummy” and eagerly anticipated your upcoming projects and ended up loving them all. I loved “The Village”, despite all the haters out there. “The Jacket” was awesome and I thoroughly enjoyed King Kong… well, only the first half that your were in. Then came “The Darjeeling Limited”, which is an incredibly amazing movie.

You have done some great work my friend. But then things started taking a turn for the worst. I watched from the sidelines as you’ve began to appear in questionable films like “Cadillac Records”. Despite these telling signs of a dramatic downfall, I purchased tickets to “Splice”, completely unprepared for what was to unfold before my eyes.

I have never been so disgusted by a movie. I actually felt dirty when I left the theater and was glad to have church later that afternoon. But I refused to give up hope. Curse my fan loyalty! I went to see “Predators” in 2010 and laughed throughout the film at the utter nonsense of it all. Then I saw you in a Superbowl commercial for Stella Artois and knew that you had hit rock bottom.

But no, just like this economy, you double-dipped. You starred in “The Experiment” (In my defense, I would never have gone and seen this film but my dad had rented it and made me watch it). HORRIBLE. I was saddened. What happened Adrien? Why are you choosing all these randomly horrible movies to star in? What happened to the days of “The Pianist”? The days where your characters had substance and your movies had plots? Your repertoire is a hot mess. But that was 2011. 2012 is a new year! You ended ’11 semi-strongly with a guest role in the Academy Award nominated film “Midnight in Paris”.

And though your part was small and your character pure comic relief, you did good buddy and 2012 is looking up! And now you are starring in “Detachment”, which looks like it will be the film to redeem your career. This movie looks so good that I’m going to let the fact I saw you in a razor commercial while at the gym slide. Just some words of advice:

DON’T PULL A NICK CAGE.

Please don’t accept any and every role that falls into your lap! You are too good for that. Nick Cage does that and no one, I repeat, NO ONE, wants to be him. So far you are following his pattern: first you win an academy award and then you go buku crazy and add 60 films to your resume. Not cool.

I’m only telling you this out of concern for your well being… and for mine. I can’t handle watching you spiral out of control! I only have enough hatred in my heart for one actor and Nick Cage has all of it. I refuse to share.

Sincerely,

A loyal and concerned fan

My Nick Cage Rant

My Nick Cage Rant

It hasn’t been until recently that my strong and almost unwarranted hatred for Nicholas Cage has become so apparent. Why does this man, nominated for many awards and winner of an Academy Award, grind my gears? Why does the mere mention of his name set me on edge? Why have I created a graphical representation of his poor acting ability relative to other actors of this day and age? Why have I created a random Nick Cage bad quote generator on excel? I too have asked myself these questions, actually, I’m asking myself these questions as I type this. So for those of you who have righteously taken up the Team Cage cause (and thus showing your apparent poor judgment of theatrical ability. KIDDING, but seriously…) and for those of you who have just now discovered my hatred for the 47-year old by stumbling upon this essay: prepare yourselves. The following essay, or more appropriately titled: rant, will feature not only an explanation of my utter dislike of the man, but will also feature undeniably hysterical pictorial representations and examples from YouTube. Let us begin…

 Poor Movie Choices

If you IMDB Nick cage (yes, I’m using ‘IMDB’ as a verb), you will find that he has appeared in 66 movies… 66! Now for all you die-hard Cage fans out there, how many Nick Cage movies can you name?…. That’s what I thought, like 6 at the most. As you look at his repertoire you’ll find a lot of familiar titles like “Con Air”, “Gone in 60 Seconds”, and of course, “National Treasure” (more on this movie later). You’ll also find movies like “Kiss of Death”, “Guarding Tess”, and “Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Brokenhearted”. If these movies don’t make you ask yourself, “WTF, mate?”, then you must have received the “I’ve seen every movie you’ve never heard of” badge in Boy Scouts. Nick Cage for some reason feels compelled to be in every movie presented to him, good or bad, small part or leading man. I’m not just picking on him either, College Humor made a video about Cage’s film selection:

 ‘Too cool for scool’

Nicolas Cage spells his name without the “H”. Now, I know what you’re thinking… he’s Italian! I’m just being picky, judgmental, and prejudice against his national origin. Well, don’t get your knickers in a twist and stop wasting your energy defending a man who was born in California, not Italy. Though he is in fact the nephew of the famous director Francis Ford Coppola, and therefore Italian somewhere down the road, he was actually born ‘Nicholas Cage” with an “H”. He took it out himself. Poser? I think so. People just don’t go around taking letters out of names and words which have been around for hundreds of years. How would you feel if I took the “L” out of my name but still demanded you pronounce it “Ah-Lee” instead of “ah- eye!”? Ridiculous. Pretty soon we’d have “scools” instead of “schools” and “soulders” instead of “shoulders”. It would lead to anarchy I tell you, anarchy!

 And yes, I’m being over-dramatic for comedic effect.

 Thanksgiving at the Coppola’s

I like to imagine the Coppola family gathered around the family table at Thanksgiving, about to dive into some amazing home-cooked Italian meal after spending the afternoon in the living room conversing with friends and family over a fancy wine and cheese tray. Suddenly, a faint knock is heard upon the door. No…wait.. he wouldn’t do it that way. REWIND. A loud crash is heard coming from the front of the house. Nick Cage has kicked down the door with his black boots. He’s wearing his stereotypical jeans with dark shirt and leather jacket and for some reason has a flash light in his hand (I feel like he’s always holding a flashlight or some other kind of cylindrical object). As his family members stare at him and the splintered pile of wood that was once the front door, Cage opens his mouth and delivers the line, “I’m gonna steal the neighbor’s Thanksgiving turkey”.  Long story short, he is probably the awkward, family member whose invitation to family get-togethers is always conveniently ‘lost’.

 “And the winner goes too…”

Whenever I start my rant on Nick Cage there is always that one person who points out that he’s actually a nominated and award winning actor. I would like to point out that he has only been nominated once for an Acadmeny award (for his role in Adaptation, 2002) and won Best Actor in a Leading Role for his character in “Leaving Las Vegas” (1996). I researched the nominees that year and found that Sean Penn, Anthony Hopkins, and Richard Dreyfuss, and some Italian dude were also nominated for the category. The only explanation for this unthinkable display of insanity on part of the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is that they must have been either bribed, threatened, black mailed, on drugs, or there was a tear in the space time continuum. I know this because Mel Gibson was stubbed for his performance in “Braveheart”, which one Best Picture that year. “Leaving Las Vegas” wasn’t even nominated for Best Picture that year…

      My money is on black mail.

 P.S. I’m going to ignore the two Golden Globe noms and 1 win (Leaving las Vegas) because I think the Globes are stupid.

 You’ll always remember your first.

The first movie I ever saw featuring Nicholas Cage, that I remember, is “Face/Off”, the gripping action/thriller with John Travolta playing a FBI agent who somehow switches faces with terrorist and all-around bad guy Nick Cage, thus causing drama and explosions to ensue. I actually didn’t even remember Nick Cage was in this movie until recently…and he stars in it! That right there shows you how unmemorable of an actor he is. All I can remember about this movie is Nick’s character being really creepy and throwing a huge fit in the Prison cafeteria… or is it John Travolta’s character with Nick’s face…Hm…? Note to self: re-watch “Face/Off”.

 “It’s not delivery, its DiGiorno!”

Nick Cage has this thing where he’ll deliver a line like he doesn’t care about it. I swear while he’s speaking he is thinking in his head, “I could care less about this movie so I’m going to be as low-key as possible and just barely mumble my lines”. He’s either overly muted or unnecessarily overdramatic in movies. Here are some great examples that will make you ask yourself, “How did this guy get an Oscar nom, let alone an actual Oscar?” I told you; Blackmail:

 Muted (“Face/Off”):

 Dramatic (“The Wicker Man”):

 “I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independance.”

National Treasure is by far my favorite Nick Cage movie. Even I cannot deny how much I like this movie. However, if I could fast forward through the scenes with Nick Cage in them due to his poor acting ability and, once again, overly muted line delivery, I would. Alas, I would be left with a very short movie. I think, no, am convinced that the success of this movie is due to the creative historical plot and in no way due to Nick Cage’s star power or acting prowess. It’s just a fun movie that makes you forgive the casting director for paying Nick Cage $20,000,000 to be in the film.

 FUN FACT: this is Cage’s highest paid role out of the 66 movies he’s been in.

 Another movie I really liked was “World Trade Center”. Once again, this isn’t due to Cage’s performance. Any movie made only 5 years after the attack on the World Trade Centers would make me get emotional. This movie had a really interesting story (that apparently was true.. or at least based on truth). I’ve only seen it once when I was 15 so I’d have to see it again to give it a proper review.

 His hair has its own birth certificate

His hair is horrible, just horrible. It makes Donald Trump look like a Pantene Pro-V model. Its like his hair is nomadic. It is migration season and his eye brows are currently en route to the land above cage’s mouth, where they’re determined to become a handle-bar mustache. The hair on his head is slowly slipping onto the back of his head. It’s holding on for dear life! Someone save it! It’s like a comb-over who forgot its purpose was to cover the bald spot, not reveal it. I stumbled upon a wise sage of a blogger who devised a clever, and apparently true mathematical equation to explain the relation between the success of a Nick Cage movie and his hair:

Nick Cage + long hair = bad movie

Nick Cage + long hair + facial hair = ‘good’ movie. Prime example: the only movies people mention in defense of my accusations of his horribleness: “Raising Arizona” and “Con Air”.

 I’d like to add an equation of my own:

Nick Cage + short hair = bad movie.

This equation explains every other movie he’s ever been in. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.